Your kid is NOT a monkey!

The husband and I were talking about the shit people have said to us while in public with our son.

We have had good experiences with shit coming outta people's mouths. Unfortunately there was 2 times that made me want to punch a person in the face.

Experience 1:
Checking out and the cashier is saying hi to Gunnar. I tell him "say hi", (our son is not too shy and is VERY talkative). Damn cashier goes..."don't talk to him like that, he's not a trained monkey".

What!?! Well, excuse you lady for trying to brighten your day. Next time I'll "train" my kid to piss on your register. Seriously, I was just being nice. I could of just told my son to tell her to f off and start yelling STRANGER DANGER!

My husband was dying with laughter and with an oh shit look. He knows me too well and knows I said something. I did. Told her pretty much just that. "oh my bad, apparently my son doesn't like you enough to say hi" (good thing is that she was done checking me out). Ugh, it's getting me worked up just thinking about it.

Experience 2:
Two ladies walking in after us. One goes "OH MY GAWD he's sooo cute! How old is he??" Me: "He's 2"
 Lady: "Oh my gawd, you must have the devil on your hands!!"
 Me: "uhh no, he's actually very good. No trace of terrible twos in his lil body".
 Lady: "Ugh, you don't know what you're talking about."

Oh ok thanks lady. Cause you're with him all the goddamn time right!?

I do hate when older people tell me how to raise my son or how he should be. My kid is a freaking angel according to how they think.

Yea I have a moment when someone just had a baby and I said something stoopid like "oh my gawd, watch out, survive the first year and you're golden. Unfortunately they grow way to fast like weeds." I'm sure that person has heard it a MILLION times, the same way I did, but it's still fun to say it or just remember that time.

I just remembered. Walmart is evil! (minus the obvious facts) I call them drive bys aka some lady walks by and pinches/touches GL and walks away! What the fuck just happened?! It ONLY happens at walmart! Is there a code that you can do that, that I don't know about?? It's so bad that I have no chance for a reaction time. It's one of those "did that really happen?" moments.

So those are my bad moments that I can remember. I'm sure there are lots to come when Gunnar is able to talk clearly. Ohhh man, that should be fun.

Troubles with accepting the current.

Fuck, little man is at the stage that he wants his own bed...like real bed. Fuck the crib, mom and dad have a real bed why not me!

Great way to start eh.

Here's how it is. Lil man has been pretending to sleep on our bed. (co-dependent sleeping?? I WISH I knew what that was!) He jumps, he plays, he'll MAYBE lay down a couple seconds to let me cuddle.

I let my boy do the ultimate move that made me cry. (ok just get teary eyed..I think it's cause I got cat hair in my contact) And unfortunately it was my own doing.

Changing tables from the get go seem overrated. I've changed my kid from the floor BUT on the changing pad that's supposed to go on the table.

That pad is still there...who doesn't like their ass getting clean from a cushioned cloud??

Anyways, tonight...he cuddled up like usual (I'm in TOTAL denial about this) on the pad. Ok fine, as my heart breaks and realize whats going on....I put his blanket on him.

HE GOES FAST ASLEEP!!

What the fuck?! Noooo!!! Where are my "I wuvs you" "mi muchachito lindo" "mi Corazon!" Where's are nightly high 5's that we do. Or the shark theme that makes him giggle!?

My husband started talking about making a bed frame. WHAT?! I need, no it's a want, for my lil boy to stay just that...Little.

Parenting is hard shit to do. Really it is. It's smiles and tears. I'm just not ready to let go of the innocence. I want my boy to be just that...MINE. I want him to still give me a death grip hug, I want him to NEED me.

I'm being a sap. Thank mother nature and hurting my ovaries for this rant. I'm such a sad little asshole cause of pms.

I've been staring at my son and thinking..."goddamnit, you're getting big" and how can I stop evolution.

There's no solution. Cause this is a lil human that will evolve and be the greatest thing I have ever made.

Thank you for reading my rant...now look at your child/children and hope karma ain't a bitch!

The Curse of the Swear Jar

We are people that swear...a lot. Now having a lil one, we have to watch what we say. Otherwise godforbid the repeater game comes into play.

First time GL swore was during the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse phase. Donald was being naughty and outta no where I hear:

GL: Shit Donald!

Whaaaat?! What did you just say?!

GL: Shit Donald. Donald bad.

Ok, that was the only time I have laughed out loud over that. Now that he's 2 1/2, it's even worse.

Can't find the car he's looking for:

Shit, shit, shit!

Oh boy.

I swear like a truck driver and the husband isn't too far behind. (let's say sailor) Since realizing GL does listen to us after all, I have started watching what I say. Can you imagine a preschooler getting suspended for telling the teacher to fuck off!? I don't want that to be my kid!

The husband hasn't quite figured out how to censor himself, so I went for the usual idea: Swear Jar.

Our swear jar will only be for pennies. Why, cause those are the easiest to find and we need quarters for the daunting laundry chores. (any other silver goes for GL's future college fund.)

I've been thinking of different ways to make so called swear jar, so the husband doesn't dig in. (Just in case silver does happen to get in there, he's a change thief)

I think a normal glass jar is too easy to tap into.

Possibly better: a cardboard box...no way of getting into it without getting caught. I still think the husband would figure out a way to get into it. Unsuspected.

OR maybe something with glitter cause then we'd REALLY know when someones tampering with it. Yea ok, I've already crossed that off the list. We don't want to look like a family that was in a strippers dressing room.

SOOOOO, I thought about a coffee can and hot gluing the top to it. No way out. Right?! Wrong! In a million years, when the future is digging for 2013 artifacts, they'll come across our coffee jar. Unopened. Probably think we were too stoopid to open it. Maybe we didn't have thumbs.

I know there are some bright people out there with some incredible ideas. Let me pick your brain for the ultimate swear jar! Give me some ideas!

Wanna know about my flower??

So this is an oversharing post....for me. It may not sound totally "like what the fuck was she thinking!?" kinda thing. As a mom, this is it. (cause I swear my husband hunts me about it)

So, if you're reading this you OBVIOSULY wanna know about my flower....Let's start in the beginning.....

It was a fine day to go get a preggo checkup...day Oct 27th 2010. Get in and throw my legs up for my awesome gyno. I gotta say it was and will only be the only time I feel comfortable showing another female my vajayjay.

Dr: "oh shit, you're 5 cm!! How have not felt anything yet?!"

Apparently I've been having contractions for a week without really knowing it. High pain tolerance she says. Our due date was Nov 16...bit early you think...nahhh my son wanted to be a Halloween baby!

She tells us to go straight to the hospital. We don't. I was feeling fine. AND my preggo bag wasn't packed yet. Told our families about it, got things packed (which in this instance didn't know what to pack) and headed off to the hospital. Whheeerre, we stopped and got Wendy's cause I was starving.

My mom must of knew. She's 2 hours away and HER preggo bag was already sitting pretty in her car.

So we're gonna fast forward a little bit, cause pretty much it was a lot of waiting. Noon till 8pm just chilling.

Our son pops out at 10:36pm. (Dr didn't show till later on, but whole story short...half hr pushing)

My mom is obviously (being a new Lita) over joyed at this point. She was there when everything went down.

Now onto my flower....

With my mom being there, she told the family (BIG family in central America) about how she was there and how beautiful mother nature is.

To the point she started calling my "birth channel" a freaking flower!!

She unfortunately told me how awesome it was to be seeing my hooha and how it was like a flower, fast motion camera, blooming.

Yuck...I;m getting chills just thinking about it.

This new Lita went as far as telling anyone that would listen in the hospital about her daughter's "FLOWER".....I had to yell at her to stop talking to people! And about my so called flower!!

Next step into this adventure...she told my father in law and bro in law about my flower. Whoa. Certain people don't need to know how my "flower" looks like. (hey I forgot to trim a lil! I couldn't see it so that's my excuse)

My mom was telling all that would listen about my flower....It grew soooo big and instead of good ole pollen center, you saw a babies head!

I actually did get upset and tell her to stop telling everyone about my flower.

No one wants to know about that....until now.

Things I wish someone told me about....

Let's start out with...babies! As a person that never was really around babies...until my own came around, there was a lot of crap that people don't talk about.

Let the listing begin!

From birth, no one said anything to me about black shit. Literally.
A lot of birthing no one really told me about. No, I didn't go to any birthing classes or anything like that. Yea, I researched a LOT of stuff, but I must of forgotten step 1. Birth. I was freaking out so bad with the whole idea of just having a baby, that my mom caught a pic of me looking at GL that pretty much captures the uncertainty and nervousness of a new mommy. Awesomest and scariest day of my life.

So, obviously we had a boy. Best rule I learned...peepee goes down when changing diapers. Not as many clothes pissing. Also the mad ninja dodging skills you acquire at this point. So what if he pees and a lil bit goes on his face. Or in his mouth. Or your face. (Just don't blog about it. ha) Worst thing I learned....they get boners. If I've ever had a gross moment, that was it. I had NO idea that shit could even happen at that age! Seriously, put that sucker down sweet 2 month old baby. I definitely wished someone would have told me about that fact, so I didn't have to feel like a lil school girl giggling about something embarassing when trying to ask other moms about it.

The whole head thing was a different story. Wait, so you're telling me there's an open part of his skull?!? DID YOU BREAK MY BABY!!!?? I got calmed down enough to hear the reasoning over this. (Personally, I still think the nurse who was tossing my kid like a rag doll right after he popped out did it.) Then, of course, they tell you about tummy time and such cause you don't want to let him get a misshaped head. The term "helmet" became a plague in this house. It scared us soooo bad, you'd think we were getting sent to the deep depths of hell. Again, to calm ourselves we would joke about how and what kind of stickers we would put on his helmet. We were preparing for the worst.

Punk rock baby helmet...Spikes and stickers! Minus the face shield, of course.

Then comes time for purees. I was so gongho about this adventure, that I still have a couple books collecting dust in the back of the closet...just in case. My obsession at that time was the damn baby bullet...it was the coolest shit EVER. I got talked outta it so I dragged myself to get regular blender. Rule I learned about purees...you don't HAVE to taste the veggies. Blah, some of the colors or mixes I did made me gag. How a kid thinks it's delicious is beyond me. Fruit on the other hand...awesome.

Seriously...Baby Einstein. You've all heard or done the classical music routine when they're in the womb. GL listened to good old punk rock and LOVED it. How I know...he was having his own personal mosh pit in ma belly. When he was born I figured why not, let's pop in one of these bad boys and see what B.E. is all about. Snoooore fest. For me, not GL. How kids get so hyptonized over it is beyond me. I can dangle a windchime, put a couple flashlights on it, and twirl away. Why don't I have millions like them?! OR the sock puppet episode. REALLY!?? Are you kidding me?! I can do that shit (and we currently did, GL thought it was the funniest shit ever. Why am I spending money on toys??)

And to end all this awesomeness, the one thing I wish someone told me....the boobs don't stay!! I had such an awesome time just having boobs...ok cleavage, that I wished they stayed. I actually considered getting implants that's whole cool I thought it was. No padding needed! My jugs felt how Dolly Parton's look. Amazing! Now everything is droopier and constant reminder I'm not young anymore.

Any other "things you wish someone told you" when your baby came into your life?! I'm sure there's billions out there! Come on down and share em!

Hey let's put our money in this fire!

This was the husband's birthday weekend. I wanted to make it special, so I asked my mom to come down and babysit for a night. This was the plan: dinner, movie, and CASINO. Why not?! Never been to one before and in our lives it seems better to have a plan, since we rarely go out alone. Honestly it felt like high school all over again. Sadie Hawkins dance over here.

My mom is awesome and brought some Waukesha only made ponza rotti's so there was no need for dinner. So onto our next adventure....movie.

Oooh the Great and Powerful OZ!
It was actually pretty good. We heard some bad reviews about it but f em. Personally I was entertained. Minus the fact that James Franco just seemed to be the odd element and not in "OZ" kinda way. My husband mentioned that Michelle Williams looks much better with long hair then her usual pixie hair...I only mention this cause it's strange he says that. He likes pixie short hair.

Regardless what people say, I give it a thumbs up.

Onto our next adventure....CASINO!

Holy freaking shit. We walked in without any knowledge of what to expect.

 

I felt like a kid in a candy store. In the sense of amazement. Like whoa, what to do, where to start!? We stopped a worker there and just asked questions. Ok not me, I'm like a man and don't ask for directions or anything, my husband on the other hand will ask for info.

 

We wandered around. Found the beer stand (of course). Even THAT was amazing! Regular cups but with magnetics on the bottom of em. They fill the beer from the bottom. AMAZING!

 

We stopped at the roulette table to watch....whoa. Again my husband asked this old man next to us what the hell was going on. This guy was incredible.

 

Quotes that we can remember:

 

"You have to be schizophrenic to play this game"

"Worst odds in the house"

"I've made thousands and lost it all in the next deal"

"If you come with $50 and get it back, put it right back in your pocket cause anything you win wouldn't matter"

 

May not sound epic, but that guy knew what he was talking about. He seemed schizo himself.

 

So we walked around for a while, looking and studying what the hell was going on.

 

Time for a game plan:

My plan: Go to 2 cent machines and have fun.

 

Husbands plan: get a mojo for either roulette or blackjack table.

 

My plan went off with a hitch. First freaking time I made $20 outta a buck. Doesn't seem like much, but goddamn I was freaking excited over it. I didn't want to push my luck...yet.

 

Husband didn't get as much luck getting into a table. He just wasn't feeling it. (This guy has, what I think, the best luck when it comes to feel and mojo) He didn't do much minus watch me be an idiot.

 

I got obsessed with the machine I won...so much I started stalking it. Two ladies won over $50! If only I stayed. After I finally got on it again, it was a total fail. OBVIOUSLY. They got the big pots out. Unfortunately I'm a sucker and kepted going back. I won again $30 at one point.

 

So the husband finally gave in and got freaking $50! Yea ok I was a little upset but hey it was good. He got the luck.

 

Conclusion to this long adventure:

 

I won over $60, that I ended up being greedy over and lost all. Which is fine. I'm not mad. That's what I expected to spend.

 

It was the most exciting adventure that we have had in a looooong time. Amazing balls! Don't have the addiction, but will definitely try to go again.

 

But as long as the birthday boy got some loot, that's all that matters!

 

 

Top 5 reasons we're raising a catboy

Raising a child involves the whole town...well in this house it involves 3 cats. Baby, Stitch, and Skully. Skully being the most "special" of the clan. They have been with GL since he's first days, so it is understandable he has gotten some of their characteristics. Here are the top 5:

1- Laser pointer

Like most cats, these girls go NUTS over the laser. Now that GL is full on mobile, so is he. Pull that sucker out and see who will get it first. Usually GL, for he tramples over the girls. Yes he'll walk/run around staring at it, which is usually the ceiling and usually ends up with him bumping into something. (I do find a little, ok a lot funny outta that one) When GL finally gets the pointer, there's a trail of cats behind him. He definitely has the torture tact down.

2- Playing in water/food bowl

This one is dedicated to Skully who showed him this tactic. Skully since birth has a thing for splashing in the water. Once she flooded my kitchen. Now, that GL has caught on to it, it's become a little pool for his hand. (luckily he hasn't tried to put any other body parts in it) Kinda grosses me out cause I think Skully does that to clean her paws after the shitter.

Now the food bowl is all to the spoiled one, Stitch. This little princess has grown up in a place that her dad would actually take out "special kernels" of food out of the bowl just for her. Now that GL is around, their dad has been trying to wean her outta that and tell her to get her own food. Soooo, she scoops out the kernels she wants with her paws. Hence why GL tries to help her out. Unsuccessful since after the first incident of him trying their damn food, we leap at him like white on rice.

3- Pooping/Peeing

Again Skully to the rescue on this one. She's a long hair which pretty much means she's gonna get shit balls/dingleberries in certain parts of her fur. Bitch does NOT know how to clean herself. GL is still unsuccessfully budding into potty training. So he too ends up with shit all over his ass. He's just like Skully that in the end of the day, it's our problem...not theirs.

4-Finding shit on the floor
(Now that I'm doing this I should of called it the Skully and GL show)

Skully has had a history of eating weird shit. Anything from wall plaster to, well, her sisters puke. Anything on the floor that may have a flavor, i.e. wrappers, bugs, puke, we will know about it from her. GL, being the toddler that he is, finds the smallest piece of whatever on the floor. He'll come up to us, smiling, saying "yucky" about something he found, but the thing he found is so small we have problems identifying what it is. Usually cat hair or pebbles. (I don't know where the little pebbles come from. I try to not think it's from Skully and her bathroom adventures)

Now for the finale:
5- Begs for food/Attitude problem

Putting these two together cause eventually they go hand in hand.
Our oldest girl, Baby, thinks she's human. She demands (begs) for human food, drinks outta cups, and is a straight up a-hole. If she gets mad (attitude problem) at you, you better hope you don't have ANY clothes on the floor. Yea she's quite evil and conniving. She sees you have her favorite food, spicy chicken. I definitely wouldn't want to be you if you don't share with her! GL, on the other hand, begs for food that we both have. Example: eating mac n cheese. He has his own bowl, I have mine. He thinks his bowl must be pure nuclear acid and my bowl must be freaking flowers and unicorns. It's the same shit! Emotional break down on that one.

So there is my top 5 reasons we are raising a catboy. I didn't include all. Here are some that the husband and I came up with: Destroyers of blinds, Scratchers, toy thieves, privacy takers, just to name a few. All in all. If it wasn't for our little princesses, what would GL be?? If it was up to him I'm assuming it'd be a butterfly.